awakening
(19-oct-2012) en el ambiente del retiro, analizando mi decisión de irme hace ocho años, la de volver ahora y el camino andando en este tiempo, puesto todo a la luz de Cristo, me llegó esta certeza al corazón.It was not running away from pain. Even though I was in a dark spot at that time, I also kind of knew it was time to leave, to say good-bye.
Yes, it all started with me seeing my world fall apart and burst into pieces after crashing with a cruel and painful reality. So many times I asked «why» and I prayed God for an answer. I saw thus many lights in the middle of the night, but I had to make up my mind.
Considering who I was back then, thinking of me and the way I conceived and interpreted my reality, I realize I left because there was a better place for me to learn and grow. Rather than running away, I left for a place where things were more helpful. Later I found the issue was me.
Had I continued, I wouldn’t have accepted so.
Leaving this place was the best choice I could have made being who I was back then. Was God involved in this decision? Did He inspired it? How couldn’t He?! I lived a life according to an image of God that fell apart in the first stop-and-frisk experience. «That» wasn’t God. I now understand HE called me down so we could be properly introduced, so I could learn about myself, about the world, about LOVE, PAIN, MERCY, WISH, LUST, HAPPINESS, LOSS, CHALLENGE, ENDURANCE, TRUST, FAITH, HOPE, FRIENDSHIP, COMMUNITY, BONDS, AWE, ANGER, MYTH and -over all- GOD himself.
Had I continued, I wouldn’t have to rebuild my beliefs upon ruins.
Looking back eight years now, I truly thank all those people who shaken my life in such a way that I could not remain safe. I am thankful that they helped me destroy a false God I worshiped, and challenged me -for the first time in my life- to really know myself and accept my bounders. Now I can see that without them, without that pain and suffering that thrusted me out in the dark, to live in the desert and the emptiness, I would have then become another man who lives because he is meant to live…
After these years; in which I have learned and evolved and grown, and rebuilt, I AM NOW A MAN WHO CHOOSES TO LIVE EVERYDAY; I AM NOW A MAN WHO TAKES UP ON RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HE DOES AND RELIES ON A GOD WHO SHOWED HIMSELF IN THE DESERT.
This is the way it has been meant to be.